


my heart, bruised

by syrenhug



Series: my heart - [1]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew hit a growth spurt, Birth Control, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Clothes, Cunnilingus, Everyone's a dick but less of a dick, F/F, F/M, Families of Choice, Femme character, M/M, Mentally Ill Character(s), Mild Sexual Content, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, Team Bonding, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 12:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7976887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syrenhug/pseuds/syrenhug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You look nice.” Andrew bites, finally, all teeth. Neil can’t help but smile.</p><p>“Aw,” Everyone coos mockingly. Even Kevin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1-10; lady in a glass dress

**Author's Note:**

> This will be two chapter. Follows 23 "things you said" prompts. The numbers correspond and the others are just icing 
> 
> This is mostly canon but in my mind everything in the books happened recently so whatever. at least I didn't mention Lemonade. 
> 
> Andrew almost called Neil baby but i restrained myself. let's see how long that lasts. There's also talk of pregnancy and birth control next chapter.

_1_

“What do you want from me?” He whispers into Andrew’s throat. The fan is spinning, a heavy weight of noise. The covers are half off the bed from where they’d been fucking. He doesn’t know what time it is, but it’s late.

“Nothing.” Andrew says. “Absolutely nothing.”

* * *

 On a night out, everyone gradually notices that he’s not wearing his usual baggy clothes and proceed to stare. He flushes and looks around for Andrew.

“You’re wearing [shorts](http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=F21&Category=bottom_shorts&ProductID=2052288154&VariantID=).” Nicky eyes are wide. Matt’s mouth is open a little.

“I love that cardigan.” Dan comments. Allison looks smug.

“Thanks.”

Everyone pretends to go back to what they were doing before. Later, Andrew takes his hand, eyelids hooded but voice clear. “Why didn’t you take me?”

He thinks of Allison and Renee’s face as they helped him pick out the shorts and sweaters. The crop tops and skirts he’d hid away in the closet. _It’s fine,_ Renee had said, her girlfriend rolling her eyes in agreement.

_“You worry too much, Neil.”_

“I didn’t think you’d want to go.” But it’s not true. Everything he says always comes out wrong or a lie. He doesn’t know how to fix it.

They go quiet. Andrew rolls away, facing the door. Their hands don’t fall. “Take me next time.”

* * *

Watching couples is Neil’s guilty pleasure in that he pretends he doesn’t and he would never tell anyone he enjoys it.

Dan and Matt are open in their affection. Matt stops to kiss his girlfriend’s cheek, forehead, hair. Dan does the Boyfriend Back Rub that he mainly notices because he does it to Andrew sometimes. He watches Matt take Dan's hand, kissing her knuckles. 

“Sweet, huh?” He hears and doesn’t turn. Nicky, for all his loudness in personality, is a silent mover.

“Yeah.” He sighs. “Sweet.”

* * *

_2_

“Tell him he looks cute.” Nicky pushes then spins towards where Neil is standing. Kevin, is dead still behind him. Aaron looks almost baffled. “Neil, your boyfriend thinks you look cute.”

Andrew’s jaw is clenched. He doesn’t look mad. But his fingers are doing that thing they do when he’s especially frustrated. “Shut up.”

“Who bought you that? I didn’t buy you that.” Allison demands.  

The [dress](http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=sale_dresses&ProductID=2000156068&VariantID=) is simple; blue plaid over rolled up leggings and some ankle boots he really likes. He didn’t expect to feel so proud that he bought it and isn’t afraid to wear it, but he is. Proud.  “I bought it.”

“He’s growing up. Our baby boy.” Matt wipes away a fake tear. Allison shoves him so hard he laughs. Renee leans down, whispering something into Andrew's ear. 

“You look nice.” Andrew bites, finally, all teeth. Neil can’t help but smile.

“Aw,” Everyone coos mockingly. Even Kevin.

“If you don’t get out of my fucking face right now - “

They all leave, Nicky practically sprinting. 

"Do you really like it?" 

Andrew rubs his eye. Then opens his hand in an invitation that Neil accepts. "Yes." 

* * *

_3_

They kiss. They kiss like a garden could grow inside their mouths, they kiss like lighting a match, they kiss and don’t stop until they’re panting and know nothing else but what it means to bend, to touch this way.

Andrew likes his hips. His fingers press into the curves that Neil often times wished he hadn’t been born with when he was younger, but likes now.

“Touch me.” Neil almost begs. The noise of the shower doesn’t hide it at all.

“Make me.”

But he doesn’t, really. Only takes Andrew’s hand and puts it between his legs. Just to feel. They breathe heavily as the shower water turns hot; the calm before the cold.

So quiet, too quiet, Andrew says, “You’re so wet.” and they both moan into each other's lips and they do make something here and the moment does not end or die like one would think.  _What of my body is not yours_ , he wants to ask. _What of me can you not touch?_

But, Andrew moves his fingers and _presses_ and he stops thinking.

* * *

 He sees Katelyn around. They nod, sometimes smile, but never really speak. Andrew pretends she doesn’t exist and Neil respects that.

But, she sits down next to him and he tilts his head in question. Her dark blonde hair is tousled. Her pretty is more approachable than the other Foxes; like he could reach the level of her and touch. Some say the only words boys like him should strive for is handsome but he likes the way Andrew mutters _pretty_ in his ear when Neil shows him things he's bought. He wants people to see him and think that. 

“I like you’re crop top.” She says and he looks down. It says _love knows no limits._ It’s Renee’s favorite.

“Thanks.”

He goes back to studying. Eventually, she clears her throat. Sniffles.

“Do you ever think it’s weird that we’re dating twins?”

It’s not a weird question in of itself. He’d thought about it before. But Andrew and Aaron are so different. Sometimes he forgot they were brothers, much less twins. “Not really.”

She takes a deep breath. “Is Aaron shitty to you?”

“Aaron is shitty to everyone." 

She laughs. It's not kind. "I mean, about you being trans and not straight." 

"Oh," Neil bites his lip. "He isn't the best, but he's certainly not the worst." 

“I hate him.” She blurts out, knuckles clenching on the table. 

No matter how much Andrew irritates, frustrates, upset or otherwise gets on every one of his nerves, he can't imagine ever saying that he hates him. This must be serious. And even though Neil doesn't really care, he doesn't want to be rude. Katelyn is sweet. "Is everything okay?"

"Not really. I just - I thought maybe hearing stuff on your end would make me feel better."

He nods like he understands. "Did it?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Neil."  

She smiles. And she leaves like she had never been there in the first place. 

* * *

 

A week later he finds a box with two pairs of leggings and workout shorts and tops. They’re soft and practical. Andrew eyes them blankly.

“You have a secret boyfriend somewhere, Josten?”

“Keep being a dick and we’ll see.” He teases. Andrew grabs the back of his neck, squeezing.

"Shut up." 

* * *

_4_

The ringing stops. “What?”

“Come get us.”

“Why?” Andrew asks. Obviously irritated.

“Because I need you to.”

A pause. "Fine." 

Nicky squeaks after they hang up. They're huddled together against the side of the restaurant."That's really sweet, y'all are sweet."  

Neil shrugs. "He didn't buy me flowers, he's just coming to get me." 

"Ah," Nicky puts his hand over his chest. "You know not what you say, grasshopper." 

"Fuck off." He snorts. "I'm sure your husband would do the same." 

They go quiet. He feels like he's said something wrong, but doesn't know what. A group of people walk out of a restaurant and they watch them.

Eventually, "I miss him." 

"Oh." 

"Yeah." 

Neil pats his friend's shoulder awkwardly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. But thanks, Neil." Nicky grins. It's tired. A car pulls up, headlights beaming in the darkness. "It's Andrew. I call shotgun!" 

* * *

Renee believes. Nicky believes in believing. Dan doesn’t not believe. Matt believes in everything. Andrew doesn’t believe at all.

During practice, during the sweat and the ache of body, he thinks about where god exists except for here. In these people who have been bleed open and reached inside just to make it, just to survive. There is no other place he knows where sinners have laid themselves bare and still hoped.

Kevin critiques. _Faster, be better, be stronger, keep moving_ and that is their Sunday morning sermon. Gear their church clothes. Nicky falls over, snickers when everyone boos at him, and then keeps going. Because that is all there is left to do.

“Neil!” Allison is flushed from running, hair in a low ponytail. “You coming or not?”

But what does Neil know of god. What does god know of him.

* * *

_5_

They don’t say _I love you_. They say, _what do you want, is this okay, do you wanna leave, are you hurt_ and it is enough. He has no use for words; they die. But actions don't.

It's enough. 

* * *

What does a knife exist for but to cut. To chop into pieces. To slice.

His mother dies and he burns her. His mother dies but not in pieces. _Tell me your promises,_ she’d ordered. And he had, then buried them like he’d buried her.

What a weapon exists for other than to be a weapon, he doesn’t know. But he tries.

* * *

_6_

“I think it’s gonna rain.” Aaron notes, hands in his pockets. Nicky shoot him a mildly dirty look as he spreads the blankets over the grass and directs everyone to set everything up.

“Why are we doing this? You know I hate the outside.” Kevin complains. Allison, rolls her eyes so hard and for so long Neil worries for her health. She’s perched on the blankets, pointedly not helping anybody with anything.

“Kevin, do you ever find joy in anything?”

Andrew lights a cigarette. Takes a long pull. “Thea.”

Nicky sighs. “Aw, het love.”

“I hate you all.” But his ears are red. Neil takes a drag from Andrew’s cigarette. Which he realizes is not a cigarette, but a joint. He coughs, shoving it back and Dan and Matt are suddenly there, staring up at the sky.

It does rain but only lightly. Nicky whines about getting wet ( _I told you, dickhead_ ) but they all still dig into the sandwiches and chips, make spots for themselves on the blankets. Renee brings her speakers and plays Beyonce albums over and over and no one complains. At one point after one song about being jealous, he thinks he hears Nicky sniffle.

The rain subsides eventually. It starts getting dark. He tries to make out the stars, shivering. Feels a jacket on top of him and looks over. 

“You looked cold.”

“I was.”

“Okay.”

It’s quiet again, save for whispers of conversations around them. He thinks Aaron might be talking to Katelyn on the phone. 

"I didn't know you smoked weed." 

Andrew reaches out to bump his nose. It tickles. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

He rolls closer. The weed might be getting to him, a bit. "You sure about that?" 

A hum. Eventually, Neil nods off on Andrew's chest. He dreams of stars. 

* * *

_7_

When Andrew says, “Come on.” and picks up his keys, putting his hand to the small of Neil’s back to shove him out of the door, he knows they're going for a ride. 

He’s a good driver, in the way only a very focused person can be. He drives fast with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on his thigh and Neil likes watching him get annoyed with other drivers obeying traffic laws that get in his way.  

 _Is this what finding something sexy is like,_ he wonders. Maybe he’ll ask Renee. She wouldn’t laugh. Well, not in front of his face.

“You’re staring.”

He hums. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll find out.”

Which means _I don’t know, but I don’t want to tell you that_ in Andrew - speak. He rolls his eyes and fiddles with the radio. It lands on a country music station and he leaves it there.

Andrew brakes softly at the red light. Looks over. His eyes are green today, only a shade lighter than Kevin’s. “Do you do shit like this just to annoy me?”

“Oh,” Neil grins, leaning over to blow obnoxiously in Andrew’s ear. “You’ll find out.”

* * *

 

_8_

The first time he sees Andrew cry, he stops breathing. For a minute, he thinks, _how do I help him when I can’t even help myself_ but then he sits down on the floor, watching Andrew put his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. Of course, it's quiet. Of course, he doesn't see any tears. He just puts his hand on Andrew's knee and waits. 

They stay that way for an hour.

* * *

_9_

Andrew noses into his neck. Which means he look awful. And everyone is quiet. He glances over and Nicky is making his Empathetic Face. Matt goes to give him a side hug, then stops when Andrew glares.

“I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“Honey, Bambi is a roller coaster of emotions, I totally understand.” Nicky soothes.

“I think -” He shakes his head, wiping his eyes. “It’s not the movie. I’m just. My period, you know?”

All the people with periods hum in understanding. Kevin makes a face, but seems more surprised he'd brought it up than anything else. Dan hands him the rest of her chocolate bar and even though he usually hates sweets, he accepts. He makes a noise when he realizes it has nuts in it. Andrews sneaks a bite. Huffs when Neil covers it with his hands.

Nicky perks up. "Let's watch something else." 

"Like what?" 

"The Notebook?" 

"That's the worst suggestion I've ever heard in my life." Kevin groans. 

"Oh, really? What do you want to watch then, Kevin?"

"Poltergeist?" 

Matt face scrunches up. "Why?" 

"It's a classic." 

Allison waves her hand, chewing on popcorn. "Ignore this loser and play Titanic." 

"No way!" Dan complains. "It's so boring. I'm with Kevin on this one." 

"Those for The Notebook raise your hand." 

Neil raises his hand tentatively with Nicky right beside him. Renee's head shoots up from the book she'd been reading. 

"What?" He defends at their horrified stares. "I've never seen it." 

Dan clicks her tongue. " Fine. You can't beat that shit, look at his face. Put on the fucking movie." 

Andrew rubs his stomach with his warm hands throughout, which despite cramping and having to pee every forty five minutes, feels amazing. He tears up again at the end of the movie but, thankfully, no one notices. 

It's a good evening. 

* * *

Pipe dream: an unattainable or fanciful hope or scheme.

 _But I’m here,_ Neil says because he knows this to be one of the few things that is true. _I’m real._

And Andrew presses his fingers to Neil’s lips. _But will you always be?_

* * *

_10_

Inevitably they fight.

“I don’t know what you want from me. I can't give what you're looking for." 

Neil brushes his hair back out of his face. The take out they've abandoned eating looks stale, now.  "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about it." 

"I see how you look at Dan and Matt -" He cuts himself off. Takes a deep breath. "Just stop expecting things." 

"So, tell me. What am I expecting?" If there's one thing he doesn't like, it's people putting words in his mouth. 

Andrew jaw shifts. "I'm not telling you I love you. Because I don't." 

"Okay." Neil's stomach rumbles. He feels sick, suddenly. "I'm going to take a nap." 

He doesn't run, but it's close.

 


	2. 11-23; just love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t believe this homophobia.” Neil rasps mournfully and Andrew makes a choked noise into his shoulder.
> 
> “Yes, Kevin, all we want is our love to be treated like any other love.” Andrew scrunches up his face as if in distress. “I’m calling Macklemore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all better give me hella validation and some tips because. this was A Lot. im tired 
> 
> \- i skipped some numbers who cares  
> \- this wasn't supposed to be so long  
> \- there's so many links because im gay and i love fashion  
> \- this is so fluffy and there are ocs because now i want to write popular president of the lgbtqia!neil
> 
> also y'all need to say bless to mercedes who convinced me to write oral. praise be x  
> [my heart, bruised playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/syrenhug/playlist/06IhLUvXBPmFIdnO80N6g9)

He does manage to fall asleep and when he wakes up, Andrew is there. Motionless but obviously awake. Neil doesn’t reach out but he does ask, “Are you still mad?”

“Yes.” He answers after a few minutes.

“I’m sorry.” Neil apologizes, though he’s not sure for or why he has to in the first place. A sigh.

“Go back to bed.”

He doesn’t think he imagines the kiss on his forehead twenty minutes later.

* * *

 His scars are his best friends. They know his secrets, only they don't keep them. He wants to hide his body, the puckered flesh and all the damage inflicted but he wants to wear what he wants. He wants to be free to not be ashamed even if the vulnerability never leaves him. 

He wants until he has. 

Maybe his mother would laugh, to see him now. She'd always wanted a son.

* * *

  
He thinks the only friends he’ll make are the Foxes and he’s okay with that. Prefers it, even.

But, he meets [Forest](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/368310075759832169/) in his statistic class and Neil has never had a friend he made all on his own so the _your hair looks good_ after he’d gotten it [cut](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/440226932306398184/) hooked him in. They have nice jackets and handbags and wear makeup like it's their best weapon.

[Roxi ](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/383720830726018575/)joins them soon after, offering them help with a project. With her brown skin, impossibly long lashes and silver hair she’s easily the most gorgeous person he's ever met. They’re both reserved and a little bit distant, like Neil, but not afraid to speak up and laugh.

He takes a picture after a month of being friends, Forest fighting for the middle as it somehow showcases their best angle, Roxi with her tongue out and Neil crinkly eyed and sort of smiling. He sends it to Andrew. 

 _Nice,_ is his reply.

* * *

Neil doesn’t really wear makeup, more because he doesn’t really know how to put it on than because he doesn’t like it. Forest is touching up their eye shadow in a compact mirror in the abandoned cafe as Roxi watches, blankly. She doesn’t wear much at all but seems to enjoy the distraction.

“Heads up - a stranger approaches.”

They all look up. The [person](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/486388828483093894/) has a short cut much like Neil's covered mostly by a grey beanie and a shirt that says _they/them_ with rose petals on the sides.

“Hey.”

Forest leans forward like their re settling in their seat but most likely checks out the person’s shoes shoes. _My mom always said, the shoe maketh the person._ Roxi takes a sip of her smoothie.

“What’s up?” Neil decides to answer.

“We were wondering if y’all wanted to join the LGBTQIA+ club.” They smile. Neil still doesn’t understand attraction as a whole but they look good. Forest seems to agree if their raised eyebrows are any indication.

"Uh, sure?" It ends up being a question as he turns to his friends.

Forest takes over. "Give us the information." 

They take a flier out of their pocket. He hears Roxi make a noise when Forest takes the piece of paper way slower than necessary. "Hope I see you around." 

"For sure." 

Neil is pretty sure they all watch them leave. Roxi announces, "I love being trans and not straight." 

He is has to agree. 

* * *

_13_

Neil can’t really cook but he tries to make stir fry, half because he knows it’s Andrew’s favorite and half because it’s the only recipe that seems to be on his cooking level. He plates it. Sits it on the kitchen table.

His first bite, Andrew chews and keeps chewing.

And, because, he can’t help it he says, “You having a little trouble there, buddy?”

Andrew _laughs._ It startles Neil so much his spoon falls on the floor and the laughing stops in its tracks. 

“This is awful.” 

Which is a little disappointing but unsurprising. He throws it in the trash. "So ungrateful." 

A hum. "I try." 

* * *

 Training is still hell. Kevin is unforgiving, an ever relentless coach. He listens to lecturing for as long as possible but it's late and when Kevin suggests they keep going he takes a deep breath. 

“Do we have to?”

“Yes,” Kevin practically growls.

He notices Kevin keeps glancing at him. "What?"

“Aren't you worried? What the media will say about you?”

Neil stills. “I can’t change myself. I don’t care how the media reacts. I can only be me. I’ve tried being someone else.”

 _And look how well that turned out,_ he doesn’t say. Kevin nods, though. He’s probably one of the few people who gets it.

"Let's keep going." Neil concedes. Knows this is not a game he will win. 

* * *

_14_

Once, after they’ve kissed for so long he forgets everything, Andrew says, “I don't care what you wear." 

Slightly dazed, he goes, "Okay?" 

"Okay." 

And they go back to kissing.

* * *

His experience with being demi isn’t easy but it feels comfortable. The words escape him still, though. Labels are a reassurance, yes, but sometimes confining. He knows what he wants but it isn’t in him to articulate the _why_ of it.

“Still don’t swing?” Nicky will often tease, and he takes it for the affection it most likely is.

Neil presses his knuckles to his cheek. “Like a bridge.”

* * *

 Allison frowns at the computer screen. “This says I’m neutral evil which is definitely wrong.”

Dan scoops a huge spoon of chocolate ice cream out of the bowl. “Yeah, you’re obviously just evil.”

“I mean,” Hair flip. “Obviously.”

Nicky is staring at his phone. “I’m reading an article about blow jobs.”

Allison spins quickly in her chair. Dan jumps on the bed twice and chants _welcome to hell, welcome to hell_ while Renee grins over the laptop.

“Sometimes oral, literally, blows. Wouldn’t you say, Neil?”

“Stop.” He replies, unimpressed. Nicky sits up, thousands of questions in his eyes. “ _Stop._ ”

“Boo. Give us the juicy Andrew gossip.”

“No.”

“Fine.” Allison sighs dramatically. “Spit vs swallow, though, am I right?”

Nicky bobs his head. “Oh, yes the huge oral dilemma of the century.”

“ _Stop._ ”

“Share your knowledge with me, Senpai.” Nicky asks Renee, doing what he does the best; instigating.

“Suck his dick, that’s all I’ve got.” She shrugs, smile mischievous.

Dan chokes on her ice cream. “For fucks sake, girl.”

“Renee!”

“What? I’m Christian, not dead.”

“What’s the difference?” Nicky jokes and Neil covers his mouth to hide his smile.

Eventually, they start talking about birth control and while it makes him a little uncomfortable because he’s never heard any of these things out loud, it’s interesting. His mother had known he was trans and disapproved, but had never given him any information on his body and how to take care of it. By the age of fourteen, when he’d started menstruating, he’d pretty much made peace with everything he could.

The only thing that had made him dysphoric were his breasts, so as soon as he’d gotten his money together and turned eighteen he’d gotten top surgery.

“What do you use?” Allison asks him. Her jaw is tight from some question Dan had asked her.

“Uh. A condom?”

This time Nicky chants. Renee interrupts, “I got lawful neutral. I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

Dan grabs the laptop for her turn. “Watch me get, like, chaotic evil or something.”

“Slow down, Joker.” Nicky rolls his eyes. “Ten bucks you get neutral good.”

Allison purses her lips. “I’ll take that bet. I’m thinking chaotic good.”

“Back to the condoms being a painful sin.” Nicky insists.

“Go on birth control. Trust me, Neil. Trust me.” Allison’s expression glazes over. Renee stares at her, brown eyes narrowed.

Nicky sticks his bottom lip out. “Anyway, what our dear friend is neglecting to mention is nothing feels better than getting - “ He makes a crude gesture. “ - in.”

“You all are sick.” He can’t help but laugh as all they break out into helpless giggles. Though he understands the desire this definitely wasn’t the time to entertain it.

“Apparently, that’s untrue because I got neutral good.” Dan shares.

“Ayeee. You owe me ten bucks, rich girl.”

Nicky declares his chaotic good a ten minutes later. Neil gets true neutral. He has no idea what it means but it probably fits.

* * *

  _15_

"I just wanted to let you know I'm going on birth control." 

Andrew slowly closes the book they were reading. "Okay." 

"Do you -" He can feel his face turning slightly red. "Do you still wanna, uh, use condoms?" 

Andrew's face empties. He clears his throat, moving in the chair a little. "No?" 

"Okay. That's good, that's great. Okay." Neil almost winces at his own awkwardness and imagines himself the emoji Nicky uses the most; the running away one. "I'm leaving now, bye." 

* * *

_16_

After winning a game, the tension is often high. He doesn’t know what the others do for the adrenaline rush but he knows he craves some sort of arousal, sexual or not.

“I want to eat you out.” Andrew mouths into his neck when they finally get back to rooms freshly showered, and Neil has to bite his lip to stop from moaning out loud. He pulls off the leggings, refusing the help that is offered. He lays on the bed, legs semi spread, gaze finding the ceiling.

 _Baby_ , he thinks he hears Andrew whisper, kissing up the inside of his thigh. He flushes at it, the endearment. It’s rare to hear anything like that coming from both of their mouths. He feels an itch, the rasp of hair and realizes he’ll probably have beard burn later.

He hears the rustle of the covers and he’s being elevated with a pillow underneath him. Andrew, unsurprisingly, takes the time to push his tongue onto Neil’s clit without warning.

“ _Fuck_.” He puts his hand lightly on blond hair.

Andrew eats him out well, knows the exact place to put his tongue to make him moan, knows to skirt his fingers just outside out of his entrance. Eventually, he gives his clit a light suck and Neil is being loud because there's no way he could be quiet. Not when it feels this good. 

When he comes, hot and wet into Andrew’s mouth, he gasps out, “Let me blow you?”

Andrew’s raises his head from in between Neil’s thighs. Smirks. The lower half of his face is slightly wet. “Too late.”

Five minutes later, clean up has been done and they’re sitting at the head of the bed. 

“You need to shave.” He shoves a finger into the prickly chin. Along with Andrew gaining four inches, his need to shave had increased exponentially.  Neil doesn't mind facial hair but doesn't really appreciate the idea of a beard rubbing against his skin all the time.

Andrew takes out a cigarette. Gives him a blank look. “Thank you, Andrew, you’re welcome for the orgasm, Neil.”

He kisses Andrew’s shoulder lightly. “Thank you.”

“Shut the fuck up.” He gets a kick in the ankle and Neil, too tired to retaliate, falls asleep on the wall.

* * *

 “We should hit up Columbia.” Forest suggests, getting a nod from Roxi. They’re laying on the bed in Forest’s dorm room doing various things. It’s one thing he appreciates - them not needing to talk at all. “We want to meet your friends.”

Neil raises his eyebrow. “You sure you’re ready for that kind of commitment? I mean, we’ve only just begun to d - ”

Forest pushes him off the bed.

He texts Andrew, _let everyone know we’re going to Columbia tonight. bringing friends_

Less than a minute later, _fine._ Then, _wear that[outfit](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AWiEWpnjnsQ651Zka7nmAit1HxTWKBLC1R5CJ7mKuQbd2tIWElm-ma0/) _

Neil grins, tells Forest when they makes a questioning noise, “Help me get ready.”

Roxi drives them. Gives Forest an irritated glance when they do their makeup in the passenger seat mirror. “Do you ever do your shit in, you know, your own space?”

“Someone’s hungry.” They mock. “Can we put on some music to drown out your moaning?”

When they get there, his friends taking in the speakers, lights and black attire with ease, he introduces everybody. Roxi nods and heads for the bathroom. Nicky immediately gravitates toward Forest who checks his outfit, then makes their way to the bar to get a drink.

“They seem a little - “ Dan struggles. Scratches her chin. Matt puts his arm around her shoulders in support.

“Snooty?”

Neil shrugs. “You got that from fifteen seconds?”

Allison squints. “I liked Forest’s outfit. Very understated.”

Knowing her, he understands that to be the kindest insult she’s ever given. Roxi comes back, arm locked in Forest’s, who sits their drink down.

"Let's dance." 

So he (kind of) dances. Forest covers his back and Roxi his front. They don't touch, which he appreciates and he feels less self conscious like this, between them, when his dress already showcases his back. The fact that his scars are showing taking third place to being cold and his boots hurting his feet. He catches Andrew coming in and walks over.

“You dressed up.”

He rolls his eyes. He's wearing a black button up and nice black pants, hair freshly cut. “Don’t get used to it. I’m taking you out.”

“Out as in out?”

“Amazing how words work, isn’t it?” Despite the harshness, he winds his arms around Neil’s waist and kisses his forehead. Neil pats his chest, considering. He’s warm from dancing and looks over to see Forest and Roxi still dancing, albeit with other people.  

“Hey,” Matt tilts his head to hear him when he stops by the table. “Make sure Roxi and Forest get home safe.”

A thumbs up. “Sure thing, babe.”

Later on, Andrew asks, “Is her name really Roxi?” and Neil snorts.

* * *

_18_

Exy is a part of him in some indistinguishable way but Neil _is_ running. Always chasing something. 

“What are you afraid of?” He questions on the rooftop.

Andrew turns to him. The darkening sky does nothing to hide his expression.  “My answer hasn’t changed.”

“Yes, it has.” He steals the cigaratte. "But I'll let you pass this time." 

* * *

  _19_

“Look here, you little shit - ” Andrew snarls after twenty minutes of Neil trying to tickle him. Annoyed, he wrestles Neil on the bed until the covers are messy and they're being too loud.

Kevin rubs his forehead from the top bunk. “Not that this isn’t completely nauseating but could you chill out? I'm trying to study." 

“I second that.” Aaron agrees from across the room, but doesn’t say anything offensive which is new.

“I can’t believe this homophobia.” Neil rasps mournfully and Andrew makes a choked noise into his shoulder.

“Yes, Kevin, all we want is our love to be treated like any other love.” Andrew scrunches up his face as if in distress. “I’m calling Macklemore.”

“Fuck you both.” Kevin glares, then proceeds to leave the room. Open textbooks in hand.

* * *

_20_

“I just don’t get it. You get off on it or something?” Neil overhears in the kitchen. Immediately, he leans on the wall to listen.

Andrew’s voice is low. “Or nothing. I don’t fetishize people’s bodies or existence.”

“Fuck off, I was just asking.”

"Well, don't." 

"Whatever. Just - don't get him knocked up." 

Andrew scoffs. "Ditto." 

* * *

  _21_

Someone (Dan) decides they want to try a different club and they all reluctantly agree. He wears his [new tank](http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?Br=F21&Category=top_blouses&ProductID=2000152065&VariantID=&recid=product5_rr-_-44;-_-2000152065-_-1307-_-3) with some cut offs and though he’s a little nervous about his scars being on display in such an unfamiliar environment, he squares his shoulders and goes for it.

And then some drunk guy reaches and gropes him. He jumps, flinches away, not sure what to do but Andrew is already there. Fists up and ready to go.

He’s seen Andrew fight before but never like this, never with an obvious intent to win but not kill.

“Fuck,” Matt mutters behind him and Neil agrees but for an entirely different reason.

Nicky says, sounding mostly amused, “What do we do?”

Allison takes another sip of her drink and shrugs. The people in the club seem mildly entertained. Neil decides he probably should at least try to step in.

“Let him go, Andrew.”

By the time they manage to pry Andrew of the guy he's halfway grinning, blood on his knuckles. Neil rolls his eyes at the show of testosterone. 

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m proud of you, Andrew. That dude was a dick.” Dan looks queasy. Andrew ignores her, grabbing Neil’s chin. He holds still for inspection then squirms when he doesn’t seem to pass.

“I’m fine.” He ignores everyone’s simultaneous groan. “It wasn’t my face he touched.”

Nostrils flare. _Really_ pissed, then. “Get your shit. We’re never coming to this place again.”

“I’m good with that, this place has shit drinks anyway.” Allison smiles sweetly at the bartender who glares at the insult. “Come on, kids, I have better things to do. Like my girlfriend.”

* * *

“You should.”

He’s doesn’t glance up from texting Nicky. “I should what?”

“Date other people.”

Neil blinks slowly. “Are you serious?”

“Do I look serious?” Andrew drawls. Neil examines him for a moment then stretches languidly. 

"Fine." 

"Fine?" 

" _Fine_." 

* * *

_22_

“I can’t believe you're even humoring him.” Matt voices. He’s been hearing it for the past two days, from the well- intentioned _can’t he fix it_ to the slightly distressed _I can’t believe the power couple is deceased this is like if Jay Z and Beyonce broke up_ (Nicky). The only one who seems bored by it all being Allison. Even Aaron seems daunted, most likely because this might mean he’ll have to give up Katelyn.

Neil picks out a too long shirt and the[ knee high socks](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AYnG-JA0EVFMKus2mi9IpkpUdeBUpb8JNNYV5kHyI9XC9LT5YXw8O9o/) Roxi had bought him as a gift and quickly changes.

“Jesus, Neil, warn a guy.”

“I’m sure there’s nothing I have you haven’t seen before.”

Matt’s reddening ears confirms that to be true. He dismisses him and goes down the hall. 

“I just came to get my stuff.” He tells Kevin when he opens the door. 

Andrew’s eyes are slightly glazed. At first he believes it to be from sleep then - “You taking your meds?”

A nod.

“You eating?”

Another nod.

“Okay.”

He gets his stuff and leaves. 

* * *

 “I’m not apologizing. “

Neil sits down his textbook. “I’m not asking you to.”

Andrew nods, giving Matt's room a disgusted glance. It wasn't the cleanest. Especially in comparison to Andrew's room. “Get your stuff.”

"Wait," He demands. It couldn't be this easy. "Did you learn something, at least?"

"Yeah. You play games you don't know if you're gonna win." 

He crosses his arms. "But I did win." 

"Maybe." Andrews answers, evasive as always. 

Neil doesn't understand until much later.

* * *

_23_

“Andreil is reunited. My life has meaning again.” Nicky announces grandly at the senior’s going away party.

Roxi scoffs, tearing at her bread with exaggerated focus. Forest and Dan are discussing something in the corner. “I still think blondie here could fuck it up.”

Allison holds up her cup. “I’ll drink to that.”

Aaron mouths _blondie_ and laughs. “You all are fucked up.”

“Y’all, Aaron. Just give in already.”

Neil feels a hand on the small of his back and smiles. The corner of Andrew’s mouth twitches. “You gonna be upset when I leave?”

“Nope." He lies. "Won't even notice you're gone." 

"Good." Andrew nods. Kisses Neil's hair. "Me too." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im debating on what to write next (obviously im gonna finish all of them at some point). we've got matt/neil, neil/nicky or this long andrew/neil au set in my novel. 
> 
>  
> 
> [come tell me what to write](https://syrenhug.tumblr.com)


End file.
